Browjan's Blog: The Long Good-Bye

I looked at my schedule this morning and saw “Hair Today” and prepared myself for battle or the inevitable Hair-Wash Wars. There is nothing  quite like a mom and daughter locked in conflict especially when the authority out of necessity has shifted. Mama still doesn’t know she is no longer in charge, and as far as possible I want to keep her from that knowledge. Dementia aids in that process, but a good bit of strategy is also needed, because for Mom, hair washing is as despicable as water boarding.

When I was a child, Mama used to lay me across the counter top and wash my long curls in the big kitchen sink. “Here’s a washcloth for your eyes,” she’d remind me to avoid getting any stingy shampoo in them. She’d carefully test the water to make sure it was not too hot and not too cold. Then she’d gently pour the warm water over my hair from a plastic cup. I loved the feel of her fingers as they massaged my scalp and the sweet scent of shampoo. She’d remind me of how important it was to have clean hair. Then she’d wrap it in a big fluffy towel and I’d sit on the stool while she dried and curled it.

Today it is a battle to get Mama to take a bath or shower, wash her hair, change her clothes. These things annoy her or scare her and in her opinion are totally unnecessary. Why can’t she wear the same clothes three days in a row? It’s too cold to take a bath. Showers scare her because water gets in her ears and face. Her fingernails are just fine thank you very much and don’t you dare go near her feet with clippers. Any form of hygiene is a battleground for Mom, but once we engage in the combat, she always comes out feeling like a winner.

Today, we washed her hair in the kitchen sink. But it took several minutes of intense negotiating and subtle stipulations before she ultimately surrendered. Even though I think I am in charge, she negotiated the terms of agreement.

“I need a washcloth for my eyes,” she stated.

“Check!” I nodded.

“And, don’t get the water too hot,”

Check.

“…or too cold…”

Check.

“And a towel for my neck…”

Check.

“And don’t get any water in my ears.”

Check.

Once the stipulations were all in place, we endeavored to carry out the plan.

“O.K. I’m ready,” She announced as she prepared herself for the ultimate torture. She held the washcloth to her eyes, her face squeezed tight against the coming trial of it all. Her legs shook nervously up and down. The enemy had her, and all she could do now was endure.

I was careful to test the water that it was neither too hot or too cold. I cautiously poured the water from a plastic cup over her tight white curls. Her expression softened. “That feels good,” she said.

Tenderly, I massaged the shampoo into her hair and she breathed in the sweet scent. “That smells nice,” she announced. Her evil captor was not as horrid as she feared.

Once we were done, I wrapped her hair up in a towel, and made sure her ears were nice and dry. “That wasn’t so bad,” she told me. Then we dried and curled her hair. I showed her the end result in the mirror, but the final assessment was not in her hands.

“How’s it look?” she asked Dad.

“It looks just fine,” he assured her. And he smiled.

“I just love getting my hair done,” she informed us. We smiled, both of us glad that it was over until the next Hair-Wash Day.

It may seem a bit cheesy, but this morning when I read the words “Hair Today”, I  was immediately reminded—perhaps by the Holy Spirit—to live in the now. All all this is so fleeting. We are “hair today”, but gone tomorrow. I cannot change the past, but I can affect the future by how I respond in the present. God has given me this moment with my mom, and this moment like all moments has a purpose in His grand scheme of things. In the past, my mother washed my hair. In the present, I wash hers. In the past, she was careful to calm my fears and make hair washing a pleasant experience. I remember those moments as I encounter these times with her today. Some of these moments are here to test my attitude, my fortitude, my perseverance. Other moments glaringly reveal to me selfish aspects of my character. Still others provide an opportunity just to love. An action that bridges the past into the future. As C.S. Lewis expressed it, it is how we respond in that now that touches eternity.

Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.